How often do you find yourself reacting to what someone else has said or done, experiencing anger or confusion before you even realize what’s happening?
I want to tell you about a coaching tool that will help you to be more aware of how you respond in the moment. When you use this tool, you will accept yourself more fully, learn gracefully, and overall, enjoy more confidence.
I learned about the Universal Growth Principle over a decade ago, from my first life coach, Kathy Wickstran-Gahn, who is a life coach and also trains Olympic swimmers. Then I heard about it again from Dr. David Daniels, a wonderful teacher and psychologist from Stanford Medical School, who passed away not too long ago.
I love the Universal Growth Principle because it is simple to remember and it keeps me moving forward when I’m feeling confused or unsure.
People often refer to the Universal Growth Principle as "The 4 A's," which stands for Awareness, Acceptance, Action and Adherence. Dr. Daniels also adds in another A for Appreciation though I'll explore that one in a separate blog.
The first A of The 4 A's, stands for Awareness. If I can’t see my behavior then I can’t choose how to change it, expand it, explore it, or add to it. I remain blind and unaware. My behaviors run me instead of me running them.
For example, I used to get feedback that I was bossy. At first, I felt hurt by this feedback and defended against it. “I’m not being bossy! I just want to get this done!” I would say to my friends, my children, or my husband.
Finally, after receiving this same feedback in different ways, at different times, from different people, I started to see that perhaps in certain situations I was actually being bossy.
This past Friday was a Red Letter Day for me. Short story: I had a breast MRI and I do not have breast cancer! Long story: I am taking steps to sustain my health.
In mid-December I decided to look ahead at what changes I wanted to make for the New Year. I was also inspired to refresh my health goals because I’m going to be working as a health coach this year at a new clinic called Northwest Memory Care in Ashland, Oregon. Dr. Deborah Gordon and our team are committed to helping patients make changes based on the Bredesen Protocol, to prevent or reverse Alzheimer’s. Exciting stuff!
I found myself making an informal survey of diets—Ketonic, Paleo, Blue Zones, Heart Healthy, etc. and was amazed at the amount of information I found. And of course, everyone swears by whatever diet they have done. It is so human to want to find One Answer!
One diet I read about in a book my doctor gave me, written by Dr. Esselstyn from the Cleveland Heart Clinic, said to eat a plant-based diet but to avoid avocados—while another doctor I respect and admire strongly advocated for avocados as being a source of good fat. When I asked my fitness trainer at the YMCA about whether or not I should eat avocados he said, with great passion and a chuckle: “It’s not about the avocado!”
Every year at this time I choose three words to live by. They may be qualities I want to cultivate in myself or reminders of what I want to focus on in general.
For 2017 I explored Groundedness; Lightness; and Freedom. I am pleased to say that I definitely feel all of those things more within myself. I put these words on my computer as a screensaver and they are scattered around the house on 3x5 cards. I think I’m laughing more, less focused on “mistakes,” and every now and again, I get that soaring feeling of freedom.
I’ve been playing for about a month now with what words to choose for 2018. At first I thought I would have an “R” theme: rejoice, rejuvenate, relax. Thinking a little more about it though, rejoicing seems like a bit too much work. I remember in my 20’s rejoicing at the Catholic Church I went to in Washington, DC with a mostly African-American gospel choir. I got a few lessons there in how to rejoice. I loved it and I realize I’m not that outwardly focused these days. Having gone “full steam ahead” for the past two years continuing to build my coaching business and making my way through what Wings Seminars have to offer, I’m ready for a bit of stability and peace. The growth has been good and I’m taking time to integrate all I’ve learned.
In the end, for 2018, I’ve chosen Health, Relax, and Enjoy.
How balanced does your life feel to you? Are you feeling overwhelmed, or unable to prioritize?
In this blog, I’d like to introduce you to a tool commonly used in coaching called The Wheel of Life.
Using this tool allows you to see what areas of your life you want to focus on; helps you find your motivation, and prioritize what you want to happen next. The Wheel of Life can help you to be accountable and take charge of your actions to be more productive and balanced.
If you google Life Wheel in images you will find many graphics that are easy to print out. You can also download one I like to use here.
Or, even easier, just draw a circle on a piece of paper or the back of an envelope, and divide the circle into eight equal pieces, like a pie.
This week my first ad on life coaching for empty nesting appears in the high school newspaper, which my daughters edited five years ago. The lessons of that time of life are still fresh for me. I want to help others as they move through the pain and loss of their kids going away to college, or moving out into the world in other ways. In the book “Rising Strong,” Brené Brown, a shame researcher and storyteller, writes about loss, longing and feeling lost. Loss. Longing. Feeling lost. Each deserves its own period in my book; these are big concepts. Brown highlights the importance of really feeling the grief connected to transitions and how awkward and uncomfortable this experience is when we really take the time to feel it. Brown interviewed a father who was going through empty nesting: “Everything was off . . . nothing felt normal. I wasn’t sure where to park my car at our house. He had his car with him, but I still left his space open. Setting the table for dinner was strange; walking down the hall past his room felt painful—we were completely lost and at the same time happy for him ad proud of his accomplishments. We didn’t know if we should laugh or cry. We’ve done a lot of both.”
My husband gave me packs of Kleenex for our 25th wedding anniversary. While this may not seem like much for a silver anniversary, it speaks volumes of his kindness.
James noted that I asked for a tissue a few weeks ago when I was driving in his car. He went online, found Kleenex packs that had a cool design and ordered them in time for our special day. I couldn’t believe that he remembered this seemingly insignificant need but that’s just the kind of guy he is. That is just the kind of relationship that we’ve created over this past quarter century.
Accepting of the past. Rooted in the present. Hopeful for the future.
These words are written on the back of my business card. These words are the basis for my marriage.
As I celebrated our anniversary this week, I felt a deep satisfaction in getting this far, surviving the ups and downs and navigating successes and failures. I know from past experience that marriage is not an easy path. I saw my mother marry and divorce four times and my father three. There are many ways to explore and experience the institution of marriage.
Our wedded bliss includes the raising of two healthy daughters, national and international moves and the start of a dozen companies. We celebrated first days of kindergarten, middle school, high school and college as well as graduations. We learned to ride horses as a family. We created a ranch with my father—“Grandad”—and learned to incorporate animals, weather and the outdoors. We have experienced hundreds of family dinners and family meetings. We have learned to appreciate and love each other, resulting in a high level of intimacy.
In had an exchange this morning with my younger daughter, Grace. She had just found out through Facebook that a friend’s mother died several months ago. This friend is her age and I could tell she was upset by this idea of death and the loss of a mother. We exchanged “I love you’s” via text and I thought, once again, how precious life is.
In honor of this exchange with my daughter, and the three-year anniversary since my father’s death, I want to post the following blog that I wrote way back when. I like to take time to know my family history, and to consider those who have gone before. I value appreciating the span of time: past, present, future. Here goes . . .
My brother and I with the Rotary Club of Ubatuba, SP, Brazil.
The one-hour Rotary meeting I went to last night will be a treasured memory of my three week vacation in Brazil. Though I understood perhaps only ten percent of what was being said, it was the welcome I received that made the experience so worthwhile. There is a magic in knowing that I share the same values as the people who attended the meeting last night. The hearty handshakes I received and the kisses on my cheek spoke volumes of the shared fellowship that is Rotary around the world.
Ubatuba, the town I went to last night, is only four hours from São Paulo, where Rotary’s International Convention will take place this June. In my broken Portuguese, I could make that connection, along with another question that brought smiles to their faces: “How long have you been in Rotary?” Whether the answer was one year or twenty, I could tell these people were dedicated.
When I made the ticket to come to Brazil late last year, I was excited to go and see my brother, who has been coming to this country on and off for the past 20 years. My excitement doubled in 2015 as last year we had to cancel our plane tickets after our visas didn’t come through in time.
Knowing and loving my brother made coming here an easy decision. Though the travel door-to-door was a full 28 hours we knew the trip would be well worth it. Clay is a great tour guide, speaks Portuguese well, bakes bread and used to be a professional chef. And he loves to teach people how to play. What’s not to like?
This is the revelation I had this morning. Like the hot water bottle I sleep with on cold nights, I feel this reassurance radiating outwards, warming me with its simple truth.
What’s funny is that, I am right now actually alone, at least physically. My husband is on the East Coast for business as well as to visit our daughters, who work and go to college there. And my father, with whom we bought our ranch 13 years ago, is no longer with us in body though he is often in my heart.
For 2015, I am choosing three new words: Responsibility, Acceptance, and Wonder. They spell RAW, so that is easy for me to remember. RAW RARA (my initials)!
I write each word/quality on a 3x5 card and keep it on my desk where I rotate through them, mixing them in with other vows I have taken and what I call “soul reminders.” I keep the words as a screensaver on my computer. I breathe them in as a way to fortify myself and weave in new qualities, as if I can insert them into my bones, the very marrow of my life and being. I still feel last year’s words: Balance. Spaciousness. Grace.
Last night I got to play a very small role in a monumental event: Shine a Light. Invited to be a greeter by my friend and colleague, Mary Rogan, I stood in the darkness on the longest day of the year and opened the door for participants as they arrived to roll out their yoga mats and do 108 asanas to raise awareness about human trafficking. Shine a Light partners with organizations in Oregon and India to give refuge, rehabilitation, education and hope to individuals affected by or vulnerable to the commercial sex industry.
I asked Mary if she wanted me to say anything specific or shake people’s hands like I do when I am a greeter for my Rotary Club. “You can do whatever you want,” she said calmly. “Free form welcoming! I trust you.”
At first I stood inside the doors, directing people a few feet away to the registration table. But it was too intense a welcome for a graceful transition from outside to inside. The registration people were welcoming in their own right—Natasha, a high school student who involved many teens in the cause, and Barb, a fellow rower who is also an awesome business woman. They were already shining in their own brilliant way. I stepped outside.
Yesterday I got my Blue Badge in Rotary. Initially, we get a Red Badge with a ribbon that says "New Member." We are then expected to work our way through a long list that has on it such tasks as join a committee, attend a district meeting, participate in a club service project, etc., to get the coveted Blue Badge.
There was a short ceremony during which I had a chance to address my fellow Rotarians. As I looked out into the crowd, I realized how much these people have become my community. After eating lunch with them every Thursday since last September and hearing about their children’s sports wins, new grandbabies, trips far and wide, and professional achievements I have a new way of locating myself in this little town of 20,000 people.
Having returned recently from my first 24-hour stint at a Rotary leadership camp for youth, I feel renewed. Renewed, inspired and hopeful.
Imagine being in a room of high-schoolers who do not have their attention on their next text or tweet. Instead, they greeted us adults with handshakes and interested eye-contact.
Imagine groups of high schoolers who do not reflect the sarcasm and anxiety that is so prevalent in today’s media. Instead they worked respectfully with one another on group agreements and developed pitches for service projects to help their communities.
I loved this 4th of July weekend because I realize I am a part of my community. Now I know where and how to be. I used to feel like only the cool, in-the-know people knew where to be, and I was, well, neither cool or in-the-know. Excluded.
But on the 3rd of July this year I got to meet the Queens from our sister city of Guanajuato at my Rotary club, and then read a quote on hope by President Obama. Then, this morning, I got up and got dressed in red and black, like my husband, the current President of the Ashland Rowing Club (ARC).
My 22-year-old daughter, Ella, recently got her first full-time job. Of course my husband and I, Proud Parents, are excited. When I posted the news on Facebook, it received almost 80 “likes” in a 24-hour period, the biggest response I’ve ever had on social media.
Youth and inspiration. Hope and possibility.
Ella seemed perplexed at my delight and the tears in my eyes when I showed her the response. She hasn’t yet even finished the paperwork, not yet set foot in the office. I explained that my friends, most of whom are in their 40s, 50s and 60s, love to see and encourage youth. To see our children and their friends succeed, make good, pursue excellence, contribute to the world.
I went to a weekend retreat for women 20 years ago and I’ve been staffing it ever since. The Woman Within community has become a part of me, a place where I belong. My weekend in 1994 broke me wide open and showed me that it was okay to feel emotions I’d kept locked inside. I learned that I didn’t have to do everything on my own after all, that I could nurture the softer sides of myself, and that I could reach out to other women and they wouldn’t reject me. I found a lot of laughter, tears, love and hope that weekend and it has inspired me to continue on a path of growth and healing.
Ashland's newest life coach treated to a little 'Pomp and Circumstance' by her friends and family
By Janet Eastman Ashland Daily Tidings
Renée Alice Riley-Adams, otherwise known by her initials "RARA," celebrated her graduation from life-coach school on Saturday in the most unusual way: For once, she followed tradition.
In a purple cap and gown with a bright-orange stole, she swayed to the sounds of "Pomp and Circumstance" as she passed by applauding family members and friends lining the long driveway of her Ashland home.
Riley-Adams, 53, never participated in her previous graduation ceremonies.
Not at Los Altos High in California, because she had been kicked out of her mother's house when she was a sophomore. She later received her diploma without ceremony while living with her dad in Victoria, British Columbia.
Instead of walking with her class after she earned a bachelor's degree in history from the University of British Columbia, she took a motorcycle trip across Canada and Europe.
Sitting on the back patio at my father's house, during his memorial, reflecting.
I love June. It is the time of weddings and graduations. A time of beginnings, surprises, freshness, and strawberries. And with all those good things, there too, is loss.
Last year at this time, I was planning a memorial for our family and the community to bid farewell to my father. It was a smallish affair, 60 people or so. The food was delicious, the wine mellow. My father would have loved to attend; he was quite a connoisseur. He, like his mother (my grandmother), loved good friends and good food, especially when they came together for special occasions.
At that ceremony, where we celebrated my father’s life, we wandered through his home and gardens, reflecting upon the good times. We built this ranch together over twelve years; there were many outside projects, ranch meetings, dinners and family meetings. We were a cohesive unit; we spent time together and we did stuff together. We all miss my father’s love for beauty, hedonistic delight, mental figurings, and his big heart and warmth. It was a loss we all knew would happen though I think one can never truly be ready.