Developing Confidence through Connection
I reach out for support. This is the single most important thing I’ve learned to do in the past 20 years. What a relief to no longer “have to” go through life alone and without guidance! From my husband, to Woman Within, to Youtube, I have learned where to go so that I can be resourceful. I’ve learned how to do wide-ranging things, like have a long-term relationship, clean out a drain, cook a meal, build a business; and love and trust. I know how to let go of fear and shame so that I can accept myself and cultivate a strong sense of belonging. My body is calmer and I have faith I can navigate anything.
I have developed confidence in myself, in others and the world. I trust.
It feels magical to have what I call “baseline calm” in my body. For years, I jumped when a dog would bark unexpectedly or other loud noises gave me a fright. I would scream when we were driving and an animal jumped out in front of us. Some of this is a normal reaction; some of it was amplified—leftovers from traumatic times. This is why I was pleased when a month ago I had a different experience. I was sitting in an outside café when all of a sudden five dogs all started barking at once, about 10 feet behind me. I didn’t even flinch. “Wow!” I thought to myself, “This personal growth stuff really works!” The dog owners apologized and I went on with my day, still grounded.
Two decades ago, when I moved to our ranch in Ashland, Oregon, away from the hustle and bustle of Washington, DC, we celebrated my 40th birthday with a big bonfire party. We invited our new neighbors, all of whom I realize now have either moved away or died. Funny to wonder where they are now, and how we ourselves are returning to the East Coast to be closer to our grown daughters. I thought I would stay on the West Coast forever.
I think back to all I didn’t know. I didn’t know the air quality here would be compromised by smoke for three years in a row, or that the Almeda Fire would rip through the Rogue Valley in September of 2020. I didn’t know that my daughters would settle in Washington, DC, and New York. I didn’t know when my father would die, 10 years ago. I didn’t really even know that I would still be with my husband, though of course I hoped we could pull off a happy, long-term relationship. With my parents having been divorced seven times between them, I did know that staying married has always been one of my top priorities.
The support I’ve reached out for all these years comes from many resources that I have slowly cultivated and are now available to help me stand strong.
Family
Women friends
Personal growth learning
Nature
Youtube, Facebook, and the New York Times
Family: I have always been curious about how to create family. My family of origin was largely dysfunctional, and included mental illness, abuse and addiction. I wish I could say that I am part of one big happy family now but there are still some messy family puzzle pieces: I rarely see my two brothers, and my once-strong relationship with my aunt has fallen by the wayside.
In spite of these losses, or perhaps even because of them, I am close to my husband, my two daughters, and their boyfriends. I’ve rediscovered another uncle too, and his artist wife. I have learned a great deal about my values, how to communicate with compassion, and how to stand my ground. I continue to move forward and grow. I am grateful to have blood relatives I love, and I like that I can choose other people I admire who I can engage as my extended family.
Friends: It’s natural to sift through friends before a big move. I have several categories of friendship that help me to keep my social foundation solid. First and foremost are the women in my circle. I meet with them each week and we connect. I’ll miss them, and hope to recreate a circle in Annapolis.
I have found some of my closest friends by staying involved with Woman Within for the past 27 years. The organization is international, and enabled me to work and play with friends far and wide, from the United States to South Africa, in Mauritius, and France. Zoom now helps me to keep in touch more than I did before the pandemic! I dip into the well when I need to, contacting friends, staffing weekends and Circle Trainings. I also participate in and teach classes through the new learning platform from Woman Within: The Wisdom Hub.
I gain perspective by feeling connected with others who are going through life with some of the same questions and challenges. These connections enrich and inform me: Who is going through a rough time like me? Who is finding a new resource to nourish themselves? Who is struggling to find the earth beneath their feet? Who is rising yet again, and how do I do that too? As I listen to and see others accepting life’s ups and downs, I come to accept myself.
It’s okay with me now that I have several different types of friends. Some are, like they say on Facebook, for “a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” Some friends I talk to once a week, and others once a month; others weave in and out of my life with less structure. I am grateful to have one ride-or-die friend who I know I can call at any time of the night or day, and know she’ll respond within 24 hours. All friends are welcome, and it’s important to me to make time to be a valuable friend and tend to my relationships.
Personal Growth Workshops: I have experienced around 120 personal growth workshops in my lifetime, either as a student or part of the staff. I realize this has been a tremendous privilege to have both the time and the money (and the curiosity!) to do all this personal growth work. The workshops have mostly been about women and girls and empowerment. Some have been about couples, sexuality, and creativity. I have learned so much, and I’m aware that I no longer feel a strong pull to do intense retreats. I feel a general shift these days, from intensity toward savoring.
My current desire is to learn in smaller doses— though I am already signed up to teach a 16-hour online Circle Training in February 2022 … We’ll see what happens. I do love the connection that intense weekends bring; and I’m getting older. I love getting eight full hours of sleep and not worrying about who might be bothered by my snoring. (You can read more about my Woman Within journey here.)
Nature: I love being in nature! Though I was part of a group of women who conduct regular Vision Quests for seven years, I realize that my preferred way of being in nature is less intense. I don’t need to go camping or be completely immersed in nature to feel connected. Sitting outside, just listening deeply, gives me a sense of peace. Looking at beautiful and expansive views also feeds my soul. I don’t really need to feel the sand between my toes; I want to take in the larger picture. I notice more of nature’s nuances now: the spider webs that glisten in their fragility and strength; the sound of wings flapping as the geese fly overhead. I can’t wait to paddle on the Chesapeake Bay and embrace more of my mermaid side soon.
Youtube, Facebook and the New York Times: While I was not an early adopter of All Things Social Media, I do enjoy the connection I get to the larger world through these different platforms and websites. I love typing into Google “how to cook carnitas” or “how to let go of fear” and taking what comes up as a place to start exploring.
I find it wondrous that I can find new inspirational songs and videos on YouTube, as well as new “friends” (like my yoga buddy, Adriene) who want to help me stay sane and cultivate wellbeing. I see Facebook as a communal river bank, where I can go anytime and see what is floating by. The obligation is small and I tap into a larger humanity. I lay out my towel, eat my picnic, leave a few positive comments and then move along with a greater feeling of connection. I don’t engage in conflict online and, so far, have avoided trolls.
Lastly, The New York Times is my go-to resource. When I was in my late 20s I worked for the London Bureau and I have a lot of faith in the paper’s integrity. I love reading the NYT newsletter each day and have developed my own way of connecting to what’s happening in the world without getting overwhelmed. The Covid maps that show the number of cases per 100,000 have proved to be particularly enlightening, as I decide where to visit and even where to move. The NYT gives me a better sense of how to participate in democracy and contribute to my community and the world.
I actually appreciate being an American now, even with all the complexities that have arisen in the past five years. Claiming my American heritage is big for me. I used to wish I was Canadian because it seemed less politically charged.
As I look back on this life I have created at Oak Creek Ranch for the past 20 years, I realize that I have gained confidence and trust in myself as I have reached out for support. I have let go of fear and shame by connecting with other resources, both human and digital.
I feel lighter knowing that family is in my bones, love is in my heart, and the many songs I’ve picked up along the way are on my lips. Over time I’ve given myself the wiggle room I need to be authentic and accepted. I feel healed. I am in awe of this human experience and the many opportunities that exist to see beauty and feel love and kindness; what a joy and a relief. As author and artist Kim Krans artist and author writes: “We hold on to life, and life holds on to us. The journey is complete, but it does not end.”
