Just Say No, with Compassion and Respect

Have you ever known you needed to say no but didn’t because you were afraid you would hurt the other person’s feelings, or ruin the relationship?

How often have you avoided drawing a boundary, hoping that maybe the situation would improve but finding out instead that you just got more uncomfortable, angry, or sad?

Today I’m going tell you about a coaching tool called the No Sandwich. Using this tool allows you to say No when you need to and still maintain close relationships.

You can serve up a No sandwich anytime to your family, friends and co-workers.  My daughters even taught the No Sandwich to their friends in high school and the kids loved it, especially when they used it to say no to their parents!

To make a No Sandwich, think of the two pieces of bread as the YESes you want to communicate, and your No is in the middle, like the layer of meat or cheese.

I first read about this in a book by William Ury. He served as an adviser and mediator in conflicts ranging from corporate mergers to wars in the Middle East. In “The Power of the Positive No,” Ury says that his toughest negotiations were not, in fact, with nation states but with his 3-year-old- daughter. You can imagine!

The first yes is how you communicate your values. Identifying and stating this first yes gives a strong direction and momentum to your message. You get to say yes to what is important to you. You affirm who you are and what you stand for.

The NO in the middle of your sandwich is where you set your boundary. You are informing the other person of what you are going to do and stating the action you have chosen. Your no needn’t be a threat,  you are simply communicating your intention.

It is important to set your boundary and to know how you are going to act, regardless of the other person’s response.

The last yes is an invitation to continue the relationship and provides the opportunity to come to an agreement about how you want to engage and participate in the future. You are opening the door for friendly interaction instead of shutting it. 

I use the No Sandwich all the time to draw my boundaries, keep my life balanced, and stay in connection with people, so I don’t get overwhelmed and have too many commitments.

I remember one time when the principal of my daughter’s school called and asked me if I would like to organize the annual fundraiser. While I felt honored, really liked the principal, and wanted to support my daughter’s education, I knew I needed to say no. The conversation sounded something like this . . .

"Thanks so much, Mrs. Plumb, for the invitation to raise money for a cause I care deeply about. I really like the direction the school is going in.

I need to say no, however, as I have other work commitments and family priorities I’m tending to right now.

Maybe next year though I can sign up to collect items for the silent auction. I appreciate you thinking of me for the chair position."

I don’t have to apologize, overcommit or feel guilty. I can say what is true for me. I get to reaffirm my Bigger Yes to work I love and to my family, while still staying close to someone I respect and care about. I respect myself and the other person.

So the next time you find yourself wishing you could say NO but just don’t know how to say it, consider serving up a No sandwich as a way to communicate clearly and respectfully. Yes. No. Yes--a delicious sandwich that will keep you healthy and feeling satisfied!